taking care of me

Thanks to everyone for your prayers and support. I have thought long and hard about my decision and I am confident that I am doing the right thing. I talked to an attorney today and I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have prayed about this and I have no doubts or worries. I know the Lord will see me through this and I'm praying for my husband as well. I am looking forward to what the future holds. I know it will be hard being a single mom of two but I'm a strong, god-fearing woman and I know that with the Lord's help I'll be just fine! I'm happy with my decision and my family supports my decision so I know I am not alone in my journey! I am taking this year to get myself together physically, mentally, and emotionally!

Sent from my Palm Pixi on the Now Network from Sprint

~Queen Duhart~

The End or New Beginnings?

Wow, it's been quite some time since I have posted any new blogs and I have definitely got some things to get off my chest. My husband and I are separated and I am planning on filing for divorce as soon as I can save enough money. I tried for a long time to make things work between us and I know that he tried as best he could but I reached my breaking point a few days ago when he hit me for the last time. As I stood there holding my mouth and nose after he hit me, I realized I could not go another year dealing with verbal and physical abuse. Lately he had started calling me names and cursing me out for no reason sometimes and I realized that he needs help and I need to move on with my life. He has alot of emotional issues that cause him to lash out at me. I was so tired of being scared and afraid to express my opinions or ideas because he may get mad about it. I was tired of the jealousy and realized that I needed to finally take a stand. I don't want my sons growing up thinking it's okay to hit a woman when she is "out of line" or "hurts their feelings". I feel a little sad because I never wanted to end up divorced at 25, but I'd rather be divorced than dead or laying in the hospital somewhere. I actually feel so much better now that I have taken this step. I know in my heart it's the best thing to do and I have no doubts about it. This is a new chapter in my life and I'm looking forward to what the future holds. Keep me and my family in your prayers.

Still Praising the Lord!

I have been working at my new job for about two weeks now and I am loving it. I work at a department store and it is great fun. I love helping people and now that it is getting closer to Christmas I have been really busy at work which is good because the time goes by really fast. My two year old is doing so good while I am at work. He doesn't whine or cry when I leave him with my mom and he has even been learning how to go potty on his potty seat! I'm so thankful for my mother because she is helping me out alot! I thank God for blessing me and my family. Words can't even express how happy and excited I am right now! I have to get ready for work but I'll be posting real soon! Happy Holidays and God Bless You!

Whining Toddler!

Why is it that my two year old whines all the time with me but when he is with his dad he does not whine so much? When he first stayed with my mom he did not whine and she kept him again last night and he did not whine. As soon as I get him he is whining. I don't get. Is it because he knows I am weak for the whining or that I tolerate it? I believe in that scripture spare the rod, spoil the child and he gets spankings occasionally but I don't spank him for whining because he is still not talking. He does not know how to verbalize his wants or needs so the only thing he does is scream and cry when he wants me to do something. I have gotten so used to his screams I can pretty much tell what he wants each time he starts so I just give it to him to hush his mouth. (He can hit high pitch screams that irritate me!) I'm starting to think that by me giving him whatever he wants when he screams is getting him in the habit of continuing to do it. I don't know how else to teach him how to communicate with me. He is just now starting speech classes today so I will get some pointers from them. Wish me luck!

About Me

I visited a fellow blogger Naijamum's blog today and she tagged me to participate in this questionaire to know more about me. I'm happy to do this because I think it's fun to know everybody's likes and dislikes. Here are my answers:                                                                                                                                                                                                                     ~Five Famous People I'd Like to Meet~                                                                                                                                                                                1.) Jesus Christ: I hope to make it in those pearly gates one day!                                                                               2.) Maya Angelou: I love her poetry, she is a strong woman, and an inspiration to me.                                                3.) Monica: I have been a huge fan of her music since she first came out, she is strong, and seems to be a good person.    **I couldn't think of anybody else I would like to meet if given the opportunity.                                     ~Five Books that Affected Me~                                                                                                                              1.) The Holy Bible: I read from this book everyday and strive to live accordingly. I'm not perfect and I mess up sometimes but I'm working everyday to be more Christ-like.                                                                               2.) I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou: I read this book as a young girl and it has always been a favorite of mine. Maya Angelou is a great writer!                                                                                                 3.) The Coldest Winter Ever by Sister Souljah: This is one of my all time favorite books. I would recommend this book to anyone that loves a good story. It is so good I've read it like three times.                                                                 4.) Fly Girl by Omar Tyree: My favorite book of all time. I read it when I was in like junior high and fell in love with it. It's about a young girl who is mainly focused on looking good and getting boys and chronicles her as she is growing up. I still read this book to this day!                                                                                                       5.) Soulmates Dissipate by Mary B. Morrison: Wonderful love story about a woman who falls in love with her soulmate but his mother doesn't accept her and we all know how that can affect a relationship. I love this book it is the beginning of a set of series and once you read this one you will no doubt want to read the next installments!    ~Five Favorite Movies~                                                                                                                                     1.) I'm Gonna Git You Sucka: This is an old school movie but it's hilarious and I love it!                                         2.) Remember the Titans: I love this movie it's based on a true story and deals with a black high school football coach and the racial issues he deals with coaching an integrated team!                                                                                           3.) Harlem Nights: My husband and I love this movie because it had some of the greats like Richard Pryor, Red Fox, and Della Reese!                                                                                                                                         4-5.) Coming to America and Nutty Professor 2-The Klumps: Eddie Murphy is a genious and his ability to play multiple characters is amazing! He is my favorite comedian!                                                                                 ~Five Things I Can't Do Without~                                                                                                                       1.) My Family                                                                                                                                                     2.) My Palm Pixi phone                                                                                                                                                                       3.) Water                                                                                                                                                           4.) Ribs/Fish                                                                                                                                                       5.) Comb/Brush/Hair grease!                                                                                                                                    ~Five Turn Ons~                                                                                                                                               1.) Faithfulness                                                                                                                                                   2.) Unconditional Love                                                                                                                                                   3.) Strength (although physical is nice I'm talking about mental strength)                                                               4.) Confidence                                                                                                                                                       5.) Sense of Humor                                                                                                                                                              ~Five Turn Offs~                                                                                                                                               1.) Arrogance or cocky: A little cockiness is okay but when you think your the s*it or better than everybody else get far, far away from me!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               2.) Ignorance                                                                                                                                                     3.)Immaturity: Acceptable for a young person but anyone 25 and older it's pitiful.                                                       4.) Evil                                                                                                                                                               5.) Highminded/Heady

Understanding

When I decided to start this blog it was never my intention to complain about my husband, I just needed a way to express my thoughts and work out my issues with my life. I love my husband very much and although he has issues he is a good man, handsome, charismatic, and funny. He keeps me entertained and he loves the Lord most importantly. We could sit and talk for hours about the Bible and I love that about him. When he makes a mistake he admits it and asks for forgiveness. He will admit when he is wrong while I on the other hand oftentimes will not LOL (Im working on that) *smile* I mean the man is unlike no other man I have ever been with. A long time ago he made a mistake involving another woman and he confessed to me as soon as he got home. I was hurt and angry but I thought about it and I had to take him back because I would have never known had he not told me. Most men (and women) would have just went on as if nothing happened, but he was very remorseful of his mistake, he is a God fearing man, and it touched my heart. Yes he is a good man but he has issues. My husband grew up without his parents in his life. His mother abandoned him at the age of 8 and his dad left him shortly after. He spent some time in foster homes but never grew attached to anyone because they always left him. He has alot of emotional problems, insecurity being the main problem. I try to be sensitive towards his needs emotionally because I know he has been through alot of terrible things growing up. Some things I can't even imagine having to go through. I have always been close to my family, especially my mother, and I don't know how it feels to not have that maternal love, to not have your parents say I love you, or to not have birthday celebrations, or holiday celebrations. I don't know how it feels to never have your parents say I'm proud of you or to never support you or never have a relationship with them. I imagine it is a quite lonely life and I know the only way he made it through was by the grace of God. Sometimes I fuss at him for being so insecure and sometimes obsessive over me but I can understand why he wants to keep a tight hold on me, he is afraid I'll abandon him like everyone else in his life did. No matter how much I reassure him that I made a vow before God until death do us part he still is not a believer. I know that I must show him rather than tell him and so far I have been in his life longer than any of his past relationships. We have two beautiful sons who adore him and I would have to fight them all if I ever decided to take them away from each other. Sometimes I just get frustrated with him because I don't know what to do for him sometimes, I mean I'm not a therapist. I pray for him all the time but I believe he has to accept his past and embrace the future. It's hard to build our life when he spends all his spare time worrying about if I'm going to leave him for someone else. I know the reason why he thinks like that I just don't know what I can do to reassure him that I'm not. I isolated myself from single friends and never went anywhere without him, not even grocery shopping so that his fears would be eased because I can't meet a new guy if I'm at home ALL the time. (not that I would anyways but that's how he thinks.) Now that I am getting ready to start work his insecurity is rearing it's head again. I don't know what to do but I can't turn down this job opportunity because he is fearful of losing me. I declined job offers in the past and I regret it to this day. I am just going to put my trust in the Lord and believe that He will work it out. The Bible says:  Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6) KJV!